The most likely culprit, however, is the dialogue, an object lesson in how not to write exposition every line is a first draft, drama-free sentence. It could be the 3D moments, where people unnecessarily spit or throw water towards the camera so you can see the terrible graphics in extra dimensions. It could be the absolute stupidity of the plot, where dreams become real if you dream them enough, or something, and there’s a giant bed but also a crystal heart and it could all be one giant hallucination by the main character Max. It could be the most abysmal CGI ever to have emerged bleeping from a computer, creating the amorphous hellscape of this imagined planet. It’s hard to say what’s worst about the film. Ironically, in the process of doing this, it also crushes the audience’s dreams of ever enjoying a film again. The next day, he’s whisked off to Planet Drool – no, really – where he has to stop an evil robot and a floating, Oz-like face from turning everything to darkness and crushing dreams forever. A group of 90s-family-movie-style bullies pick on him, steal his dream journal and tell him that his superpowered friends never existed. The plot involves a bullied weirdo at school, who is too busy dreaming about the titular superheroes to make friends. The only tell-tale sign that this was actually devised by adults is a sub-plot about divorce, some jokes that kids wouldn’t get and the occasional strains of a theme (kids wouldn’t bother with that, too boring.) Yet aside from these hints that someone actually thought about the film, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl is a film so catastrophically misjudged you occasionally wonder whether anyone wrote it at all. It wouldn’t actually be surprising if a primary school kid did write this monstrosity, such is the volume and stupidity of the nonsense displayed. This infantile yarn-spinning will be similar to watching The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, only it’ll have the defence of being cute because a kid is telling it, not an adult director with a $35 million budget. It won’t go anywhere, none of the ideas will cohere and if there is any dialogue in the story that this seven-year-old tells, it’s unlikely to win any awards. Only, the other thing you’ll notice about this story is that there is no discernible structure. A magical land made up entirely of cookies and milk. Pink-haired girls who can shoot lava from their hands. ![]() Chances are, they’ll come up with loads of wacky ideas. Tell them it can have anything in it they want. Netflix For Kids, the column where get a childless adult to sift through the dregs of Netflix’s catalogue for the youngest cinephiles, catches up with an overlooked entry on Taylor Lautner’s CV.įind the nearest child and ask them to tell you a story. Cast: Cayden Boyd, Taylor Lautner, Taylor Dooley
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